Many parents spend two to three decades in active parenting when they have multiple children spaced well apart. The first child arrives with excitement and enthusiasm to energetic parents who have zero parenting experience. They are the subject of experimental parenting. The second and subsequent births come into experience. But by the time the last child arrives, sometimes years or even decades later, many parents are physically, mentally, and emotionally tired of active parenting. They suffer from what I term “Tired Parent Syndrome”.
I speak from experience. I had my “baby of the family” after the age of 40, and felt the shift instantly. My parenting energy was not the same. And this explains why nature has a biological clock; a reason certain stages of life are generally suited for certain activities. But life doesn’t always follow predictable patterns, and when it doesn’t, we must adjust and continue the journey with whatever strength we have left. It’s been 26 years of parenting, and I’m still not done.
The Parallel Between Exams and Parenting
In examinations, the last question is often as important as the first; sometimes even more. While the first question might be a simple 1 or 2-mark warm-up, the last could carry a weighty 8 marks. Ironically, these final questions come up when students are most exhausted, time-pressured, mentally drained, and eager to submit. Many people believe the last questions are deliberately designed for highly intelligent or elite students. That might be true in some cases, but not always. Exam structures vary: some begin gently and intensify, while others mix easy and hard questions throughout. With the rise of technology, many tests today are adaptive, adjusting the difficulty according to the test taker’s performance.
In most cases, your energy is full, your focus is sharp, and you’re mentally and physically alert at the beginning of an exam. But fatigue slowly creeps in as time ticks away. Headaches, neck cramps, back pain, and mental fog begin to join in. By the time you reach the last question, you’re not necessarily facing the hardest question; you’re simply tired. And tiredness magnifies difficulty.
Parenting the lastborn is a similar experience.
With fatigue, reduced focus, and a longing for a new chapter of independence, many of us rush through this last lap of parenting. We become eager for the “exam” to end. Unfortunately, this may be where the highest-mark questions appear, questions that define our overall parenting success.
The last question in an examination is not necessarily the hardest. It may feel so when you’re tired. Image credits: Pexels
The Last-Born Syndrome
Last-born are often labelled with all sorts of descriptors: some humorous, some unfair, and some too generalised to be true. I see a lot of lastborn clips on social media. They are frequently described as spoilt, overpampered, immature, irresponsible, entitled, attention-seeking, and fun-loving risk-takers. Some call them manipulative because they know how to have their way in almost every situation.
But is this stereotype valid? Does birth order truly influence personality?
The Birth Order Theory
Alfred Adler, the world-renowned psychiatrist, introduced the Birth Order Theory, proposing that a child’s position in the family influences personality development. Although his theory wasn’t rooted in strict scientific evidence, its insights resonate deeply when examined through real-life family dynamics. When we observe how the last child interacts within a family unit, many advantages begin to emerge.
When parenting is done with intention rather than fatigue, the last child often benefits tremendously. Image credits: Pexels
The Hidden Strengths of Being the Lastborn
I believe when parenting is done with intention rather than fatigue, the lastborn often benefits tremendously from:
- More Experienced Parents: The parenting mistakes made with the first child may not be repeated with the last. Parents are more mature, more understanding, and better equipped to handle challenges with greater wisdom.
- Built-in Social Development: From infancy, last-born are surrounded by older siblings. They become naturally sociable, adaptable, and comfortable around people.
- Role Modelling in the Family: Unlike the firstborn, who have no older sibling to look up to, lastborn have front-row seats to their siblings’ successes, achievements, mistakes, habits, and consequences. They make fewer mistakes because they have their older siblings as role models.
- A Larger Support System: With more people in the home, the last-born often receives attention, guidance, and support from multiple angles, not just from their parents.
- A Stronger Safety Net: Older siblings often act as protectors, defenders, advisors, advocates and even second parents.
- Creativity and Confidence: With older siblings, they experiment with play, creativity, and interact with confidence. They master language early, and their communication skills are better than those of most of their peers.
- Early Maturity: Many last-born mature faster intellectually and socially than their peers. They’re surrounded by older people, mature conversations and higher expectations.
- Skills for Self-defence: Being the youngest in the family, they also learn to defend themselves against intimidation by older siblings.
In my opinion, the stereotype is invalid, but birth order does influence personality development. In addition to genetics and parental involvement, the order of birth matters. Clearly, birth order can shape a child’s experience in many positive ways, which shows in the development of their personality. Genetics may be out of our control, just like the order in which the children emerge, but parental involvement remains a choice: a critical one.
The Tired Parent Syndrome
Birth order favours the last child, but if parents are exhausted, disengaged, or rushing to finish the “exam,” the lastborn may receive inconsistent discipline, relaxed boundaries, or reduced attention. This can contribute to behaviours that society mislabels as “lastborn syndrome.”
The problem with a stereotypical lastborn isn’t “Lastborn Syndrome”; it’s most often “Tired Parent Syndrome.” This is a parenting condition characterised by fatigue. It’s parents who instruct without seeing it through, parents who no longer pay attention to details, parents whose visions are now so blurry that a child can conveniently stand in their blind spot. These are parents who are now physically and mentally tired of the parenting chapter.
Finishing the Parenting Race Strong
Many parents forget that nurturing the last child is just as important as nurturing the first, and the parenting task is not done until the last box is ticked. No matter what we’re going through: be it career pressure, shifts in our physical strength, emotional exhaustion, changes in our finances and family circumstances or evolving parenting philosophies, the last-born should be a priority, just like the older children.
And so, the message is simple:
Summon every strength you’ve got; it’s a journey of endurance. Don’t parent the last child with leftover energy. The raising of the lastborn is as important as the first. That’s what I tell myself every day, and it’s my advice to every parent struggling with parenting fatigue. Rather than thinking your last child is disobedient, deregulated, and always stepping out of line, pay attention to your parenting energy.
Just like the last question in an exam, the last child deserves your final burst of energy, focus and intentionality. Their story is still being written, and the pen is in your hand.