There are people who fan the flames of conflict while keeping their own lives at peace. They pose as advisers or concerned friends, but their real joy is in stirring strife.
My best friend in primary school, Aisha, lived right next to the school. We couldn’t have been more different. I was small and smart; she was big, bold, but she struggled academically. Our friendship thrived on those differences. She relied on me for help with her classwork, and I relied on her for protection against bullies. Her father had been a soldier who died in service to the nation, and Aisha carried that same loyalty and courage in her spirit.
Then there was Christopher. I’ll call him Inciteful Chris. He was a friendly and cheerful boy who greeted everyone with a warm smile every morning. All day, he went round the classroom, holding brief conversations with every classmate. But beneath that friendly exterior, he had a gift for stirring trouble. He thrived on conflict, never joining a fight himself, but always managing to spark one. He scouted the classroom for any sign of disagreement so he could instigate a fight. Every week, he found a way to pit classmates against each other. When there was no conflict, he persuaded someone to challenge another to a fight.
Courtesy of Christopher, our school field entertainment mirrored the WWE wrestling shows we watched and admired in those days. While children in other places had extra and co-curricular activities on Friday afternoons, the pupils in my primary school had fights lined up. Other children would gather in circles to watch the fights, cheering like a live audience at an arena. As soon as a teacher appeared, we scattered within the fraction of a second. It was a thrill. Surprisingly, none of us ended up as professional boxers or wrestlers.
I never fought, as no one dared to challenge me because of my defensive best friend, Aisha, until the day Christopher decided to pit us against each other.
We had a little misunderstanding which is typical of every genuine friendship. It was strange to the rest of the class that these inseparable friends could have a discord. Rather than help us settle the quarrel, Christopher saw his golden opportunity and sprang into action, instigating a fight between me and my best friend. Neither of us objected nor accepted the challenge but Christopher took it upon himself to announce the fight quietly to other pupils. Of course, I knew I was finished and so everyone thought. For the rest of the week, I was terrified, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus in class, and dreaded the day.
Then I thought of a plan; I planned to be the first to leave school on Friday to escape the fight. Aisha didn’t seem interested either, she later told me she had planned to escape too.
But Christopher anticipated my move and took an excuse to use the rest room before the end of the last lesson. He didn’t return to the classroom. Rather, he waited right outside the classroom to make sure we didn’t escape. The moment the final bell rang signalling the end of the day, I ran out of the classroom, only to find him right outside the door waiting to catch me. The fight became inevitable.
As we walked to the school field, pupils gathered for the spectacle. I knew I didn’t stand a chance in strength, but I remembered the story of David and Goliath in the bible. David didn’t wait, he ran towards Goliath. I decided to try the same. Before the crowd even settled, I gave my friend a foot sweep, and flat on the ground she fell. I toppled her in an instant and very quickly, the fight was over. I won. The crowd erupted, hailing my unexpected victory. I was shocked as it wasn’t the outcome I had anticipated all week. Aisha got up, dusted her uniform, and quietly walked home as we all dispersed.
Over the weekend I was happy, I felt like a champion and looked forward to the praise and accolade in school on Monday. But as I got to school, Christopher was the first person to greet me as usual. Rather than commend me, he jeered at me that I was in deep trouble as Aisha’s mum was coming to report the fight to the headmaster. Christopher taunted me all morning while the other children who had cheered me on Friday, looked away as if they knew nothing about the fight. I learnt my first lesson instantly: when trouble comes, the same crowd that urges you on will vanish.
My friend didn’t show up in school on that day, so I sat in the classroom watching the corridor for Aisha’s mum, a woman who always embraced me with love, now a symbol of fear.
But I did something impressive during recess; I decided to visit Aisha at home as she lived right next to the school. And there she was, lying on her bed, too embarrassed to come to school. She was happy to see me. I held her hands and apologised to her. She apologised to me too. We didn’t even bother discussing the trivial matter that caused our quarrel. We just promised each other we would never fight again, and we never did.
That day, as I left her house, I made up my mind to never dance to another person’s drum of war.
The next morning, I went straight to her house to get her and we walked to school holding hands. The other children didn’t seem to notice us, they had moved on from the episode but Inciteful Chris noticed, he was stunned.
That fight was the last in that class until I left the school because my friend and I put Christopher in check. We realised he was a coward who incited people to fight but never got in any fight. If we didn’t want to fight, then maybe no child really wanted to fight. It’s alright watching WWE on television, we didn’t have to practicalize it.
My encounter with Christopher taught me lessons that remain relevant several decades on:
- Not everyone who looks friendly truly means well.
- Some people thrive on conflict. Keep them at bay.
- Instigators often stay out of the trouble they create.
- When you land in real trouble, most of the crowd will disappear.
- Choose your battles, many aren’t worth fighting.
- And, never dance to another person’s war drum. Rather, tell yourself “Those who beat the drum of war should be ready to dance to it.” (Igbo adage, Eastern Nigeria)
The world is full of Inciteful Christophers; people who thrive on discord but are clever enough to not soil their own hands. These are people who deliberately cause trouble and pain for others while keeping their own lives at peace. Sometimes they are the confidants, the advisers, the defenders, the concerned friend or family member, who craftily incite conflict, foment trouble, provoke and lead you to the battle front, purely for their entertainment.
They are in the society too. They make inciteful statements that knock citizens against the state, a tribe against another, and nations against nations. Their aim is to incite violence, and compromise peace and tranquility. These are people who thrive on conflict.
Your real strength lies in identifying them and refusing to play their game.
Poet Suheir Hammad put it perfectly: “I will not dance to your war drum,” in his poem “What I Will.”
That remains my mantra today. Make it yours.